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Missing Husband!!!!!!!!!

General No Comments »

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be health
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.

The woman started crying

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!! !!!!!!

Nashila Joke!

Mast Joke 1 Comment »

Ek Sharabi full tight hokar ghar jaa raha tha. Raaste me mandir ke baahar pujari dikha.

Sharabi n pujari se poocha, sabse bada kaun?
Pujaari ne peecha chudane ke liye kaha “Mandir Bada”.

Sharabi bola “Mandir bada toh dharti pe kaise khada”
Pujari: “Dharti badi”

Sharabi: “Dharti badi toh Sheshnaag pe kyun khadi”
Pujari” “Sheshnaag bada”

Sharabi: “Sheshnaag bada toh Shiv ke gale me kyon pada”
Pujari: “Shiv bada”

Sharabi: “Shiv bada toh Parbat par kyon khada”
Pujari: “Parbat bada”

Sharabi: “Parbat bada toh Hanuman ki ungli pe kyon pada”
Pujari: “Hanuman bada”

Sharabi: “Hanuman bada toh Ram ki charno me kyon pada”
Pujari: “Ram bada”

Sharabi: “Ram bada toh Ravan ke piche kyun pada”
Pujari: “arey mere baap tu bata kaun bada”

Sharabi: “Is duniya me woh bada jo puri batli (bottle) pee ke apni taango pe khada”

The Art of Appraisal !!

Fun No Comments »

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is “average”.
Kumar: What? How come ‘average’?
Big Boss: Because…err…uhh…you lack domain knowledge.
Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year. Kumar: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn’t see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don’t like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Kumar: Huh? *Confused* Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills. Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on “Business Communication”, you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr…well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That’s why you need to learn about it.
Kumar: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err…anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only ‘average’.
Kumar: Last year that process gave me ‘excellent’. This year just ‘average’? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That’s a complicated process. You don’t want to hear.
Kumar: I’ll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets ‘average’, whichever lands on table gets ‘good’, whichever we manage to catch gets ‘excellent’ and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets ‘outstanding’.
Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets ‘poor’ rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for ‘outstanding’?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints

From the core of heart!!

General No Comments »

I Want To Go Back To The Time
When GETTING HIGH Meant On A SWING,
Not PROMOTIONS.
When DRINKING Meant RASNA ORANGE,
Not BEERS Or WHISKEYS.
When DAD Was The Only HERO,
Not DEPP Or TOM.
When DAD’S SHOULDER Was The HIGHEST PLACE On The Earth,
Not Your DESIGNATION.
When Your WORST ENEMIES Were Your SIBLINGS,
Not Your MANAGER.
When The Only Thing That Could HURT Were BLEEDING KNEES,
Not The TEARS Falling Down Your Cheeks.
When The Only Things BROKEN Were TOYS,
Not The DYING HEARTS.
And When GOOD-BYES Meant TILL TOMORROW,
Not For YEARS & YEARS.

The Husband Store…. Joke of the Day!

Enjoy No Comments »

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where any woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!!!

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband…

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking..

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Hidden blue tooth software in Windows XP and Vista

Technology No Comments »

Most of you people are searching for software for your bluetooth Dongles or Bluetooth devices over Internet. Don’t worry there is a hidden blue tooth software in Windows XP and Vista.

Follow the below mentioned method for this Blue tooth trick.

1. Open the run command.


2. Now type fsquirt without quotes. This will open a window with text Welcome to Bluetooth File Transfer

3. Now just select whether you want to send or receive any file and you are done. Wizard.

52 Proven Stress Reducers….

serious stuff 2 Comments »

1. Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning.

The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful.

*

2. Prepare for the morning the evening before..

Set the breakfast table, make lunches, put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc.

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3. Don’t rely on your memory. Write down

appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc.

(”The palest ink is better than the most retentive memory” -)

Old Chinese Proverb

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4. Do nothing which, after being done, leads you to tell a lie.

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5.Make duplicates of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden and carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring.

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6. Practice preventive maintenance.. Your car,appliances,home,

and relationships will be less likely to break down/fall apart “at the worst possible moment.”

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7. Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.

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8. Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.

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9… Plan ahead. Don’t let the gas tank get below one-quarter full; keep a well-stocked “emergency shelf” of home staples; don’t wait until you’re down to your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more; etc.

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10. Don’t put up with something that doesn’t work right. If your alarm clock, wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers? whatever? are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones.

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11. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments.

Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures.

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12. Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet.

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13. Always set up contingency plans, “just in case.” (”If for some reason either of us is delayed, here’s what we’ll do”

kind of thing. Or, “If we get split up in the shopping center,

here’s where we’ll meet.”)

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14. Relax your standards.The world will not end if the grass doesn’t get mowed this weekend.

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15. Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count them!

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16. Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back directions, what someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old “the hurried I go, the beholder I get, ” idea.)

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17. Say “No!” Saying “no” to extra projects, social activities, and invitations you know you don’t have the time or energy

for takes practice,self-respect, and a belief that everyone,

everyday, needs quiet time to relax and be alone.

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18. Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep, or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil.) Or use an answering machine.

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19. Turn “needs” into preferences. Our basic physical needs translate into food, water, and keeping warm. Everything else is a preference. Don’t get attached to preferences.

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20. Simplify, simplify, simplify?

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21. Make friends with non-worriers. Nothing can get you into the habit of worrying faster than associating with chronic worrywarts.

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22. Get up and stretch periodically if your job requires that you sit for extended periods.

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23. Wear earplugs. If you need to find quiet at home, pop in some earplugs.

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24. Get enough sleep. If necessary, use an alarm clock to remind you to go to bed.

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25. Create order out of chaos. Organize your home and workspace so that you always know exactly where things are. Put things away where they belong and you won’t have to go through the stress of losing things.

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26. When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe in short, shallow breaths. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete, and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day, and before, during, and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths.

Note how, when you’re relaxed, both your abdomen

and chest expand when you breathe.

*

27. Writing your thoughts and feelings down (in a journal, or on paper to be thrown away) can help you clarify things and can give you a renewed perspective.

*

28. Try the following yoga technique whenever you feel the need to relax. Inhale deeply through you nose to the count of eight. Then, with lips puckered, exhale very slowly through your mouth to the count of 16, or for as long as you can. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times.

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29. Inoculate yourself against a feared event. Example: before speaking in public, take time to go over every part of the experience in your mind. Imagine what you’ll wear, what the audience will look like, how you will present your talk, what the questions will be and how you will answer them, etc. Visualize the experience the way you would have it be. You’ll likely find that when the time comes to make the actual presentation, it will be “old hat” and much of your anxiety will have fled.

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30. When the stress of having to get a job done gets in the way

of getting the job done, diversion ? a voluntary change in

activity and/or environment ? may be just what you need.

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31. Talk it out. Discussing your problems with a trusted friend can help

your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on problem solving.

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32. One of the most obvious ways to avoid unnecessary stress is to select an environment (work, home, leisure) which is in line with your personal needs and desires. If you hate desk jobs, don’t accept a job which requires that you sit at a desk all day. If you hate to talk politics, don’t associate with people who love to talk politics, etc.

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33. Learn to live one day at a time.

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34. Every day, do something you really enjoy.

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35. Add an ounce of love to everything you do.

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36. Take a hot bath or shower (or a cool one in summertime) to relieve tension.

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37. Do something for somebody else.

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38. Focus on understanding rather than on being understood; on loving rather than on being loved.

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39. Do something that will improve your appearance. Looking better can help you feel better.

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40. Schedule a realistic day. Avoid the tendency to schedule back-to-back appointments; allow time between appointments for a breathing spell.

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41. Become more flexible. Some things are worth not doing perfectly and some issues are well to compromise upon.

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42. Eliminate destructive self-talk: “I m too old to?,” “I m too fat to?,” etc.

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43. Use your weekend time for a change of pace. If you work week is slow and patterned, make sure there is action and time for spontaneity built into your weekends. If your work week is fast-paced and full of people and deadlines, seek peace and solitude during your days off. Feel as if you aren’t accomplishing anything at work? Tackle a job on the weekend which you can finish to your satisfaction.

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44. “Worry about the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves.” That’s another way of saying: take care of the today’s as best you can and the yesterdays and the tomorrows will take care of themselves.

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45. Do one thing at a time. When you are with someone, be with that person and with no one or nothing else. When you are busy with a project, concentrate on doing that project and forget about everything else you have to do.

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46. Allow yourself time ? everyday ? for privacy, quiet, and introspection.

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47. If an especially unpleasant task faces you, do it early in the day and get it over with; then the rest of your day will be free of anxiety.

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48.Learn to delegate responsibility to capable others.

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49. Don’t forget to take a lunch break. Try to get away from your desk or work area in body and mind, even if it’s just for 15 or 20 minutes.

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50. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing

something or saying anything that could make matters worse.

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51. Have a forgiving view of events and people. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world.

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52. Have an optimistic view of the world.. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

Problems always seem bigger in the dark!!

somewhat truth 1 Comment »

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a
restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The
restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where
he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied,
“There is a pond near my house that is full of
frogs–millions of them. They croak all during the
night and are about to drive me crazy!”

So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an
agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the
restaurant five hundred at a time for the next several
weeks. The first week, the farmer returned to the
restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny
little frogs. The restaurant owner said, “Well…where
are all the frogs?” The farmer said, “I was mistaken.

There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they
sure were making a lot of noise!” Next time you hear
somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember
it’s probably just a couple of noisy frogs.

Also–remember that problems always seem bigger in the
dark. Have you ever lain in your bed at night worrying
about things which seem almost overwhelming–like a
million frogs croaking?

Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes,
and you take a closer look, you’ll wonder what all the
fuss was about . . .

Weekend Jokes!!!

Mast Joke No Comments »

Koun gadha ?

Ek baar sardar ji kahain jaa rahe tahe k ek diwar par padha “padhne wala gadha”

Sardar ko bohat ghussa aya, unhon ne mita kar likh diya! “likhne wala gadha”
………… ……… ……… ……… ……… …
bHAO Bhao :P

Train mai ek husband apni wife say: “tujh say shadi kar k pachta raha hoon.”

“dil karta hai tujhe kutttay k aagay daal doon”

Samnay wala passenger bola: “bhao bhao”
………… ……… ……… ……… ……… …
999 Kaun hain?
Wife mere iraday baray neek hain, aap 1000 mai ek hain.

Sardar: mera dimag bara taiz hai, pehlay ye bata baki 999 kon hai?
………… ……… ……… ……… ……… …
Height Of Stupidity

Sardar looked himself in mirror and said:
Is ko kahain dekha hai. Then he said:

Oye yaad aya, ye to woh he kamina hai jo
Shaadi ki album main meri biwi k saath hai :p
………… ……… ……… ……… ……… …

Rang bhare Holi SMS Collection!!!

General, shayari No Comments »

Saade rang ko galti se aap naa kora samjho,
Isi mey samaaye indradhanushi saaton rang,
Jo dikhe aapko zindagi saadagi bhari kisi ki,
To aap yun samjho satrangi hai duniya usiki,
Holi aayi satrangi rango ki bouchar laayi,
Dher saari mithai aur mitha mitha pyar laayi,
Aap ki zindagi ho mithe pyar aur khusiyon se bhari,
Jisme samaaye saaton rang yahi shubhkamna hai hamaari.
**************************************************************************
Lal, gulabi, neela, pila hathon me liya samet,
Holi ke din rangenge sajni, kar ke meethi bhent.

**************************************************************************
Pichkari ki Dhar,
Gulal ki bauchar,
Apno ka pyar,
Yahi hai yaaron holi ka tyohar.
Happy Holi!!!!
************************************************************************
Rangon se bhi rangeen zindagi hai humari, rangeeli rahe yeh bandagi hai humari,
kabhi na bigde ye pyar ki rangoli, aye mere yaar aisi HAPPY HOLI.
***************************************************************************
Gul ne gulshan se gulfam bheja hai,
Sitaro ne aasman se salaam bheja hai,
Mubaraq ho aapko holi ka tyohar,
Humne dil se yeh paigam bheja hai.
************************************************************************
Rango ke tyohar mein sabhi rango ki ho bharmar,
Dher saari khushiyon se bhara ho aapka sansar,
Yahi dua hai bhagwan se hamari har bar,
Holi Mubarak ho mere yaar!
***********************************************************************
Khaa key gujiya, pee key bhaang, laaga ke thoda thoda sa rang,
baja ke dholak aur mridang, khele holi hum tere sang.
Holi Mubarak!
**************************************************************************
Rango mein ghuli ladki kya laal gulabi hai
Jo dekhta hai kehta hai kya maal gulabi hai
Pichle baras tune jo bhigoya tha holi mein
Ab tak nishani ka woh rumaal gulabi hai.
*****************************************************************************
Chadenge jab pyare rang, ek meri dosti ka rang bhi chadhana.
Lagne lagenge tumhe suhane sare rang,
Aur meri dosti ka rang chamkega hurdum tumhare sang.
Bolo sarararara….
Wish you a very mastiful and colourful Happy Holi!
****************************************************************
Apun wishing you a wonderful,
Super-duper,
Zabardast,
Xtra-badhiya,
Xtra special,
Ekdum mast and dhinchak,
Bole to ekdum jhakaas
“Happy Holi”.

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