5 Jokes a day Keeps Doctor Away!

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here’s a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5′ x 5′ is a good size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy
revisit
benchmark
fast track
touch base

strategic fit
expeditious
value-added
result-driven
mindset

core competencies
to tell you the truth (or ‘the truth is’)
proactive
empower (or empowerment)
client focus(ed)

best practice
24/7
win-win
knowledge base
paradigm

bottom line
out of the loop
think outside the box
at the end of the day
game plan

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout ‘BULLSHIT!’

Testimonials from satisfied ‘Bull Shit Bingo’ players:

‘I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.’ - Adam, Atlanta

‘My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.’ - David, Florida

‘What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.’ - Dan, New York City

‘The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.’ - Ben, Denver

‘The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed ‘BULLSHIT!’ for the third time in two hours.’ - Paul, Cleveland

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is “average”.
Kumar: What? How come ‘average’?
Big Boss: Because…err…uhh…you lack domain knowledge.
Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year. Kumar: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn’t see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don’t like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Kumar: Huh? *Confused* Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills. Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on “Business Communication”, you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr…well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That’s why you need to learn about it.
Kumar: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err…anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only ‘average’.
Kumar: Last year that process gave me ‘excellent’. This year just ‘average’? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That’s a complicated process. You don’t want to hear.
Kumar: I’ll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets ‘average’, whichever lands on table gets ‘good’, whichever we manage to catch gets ‘excellent’ and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets ‘outstanding’.
Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets ‘poor’ rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for ‘outstanding’?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints

Officer : What Is Your Name?

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : Tell Me Properly

Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir

Officer : Your Father’s Name?

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : What Does That Mean?

Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer : Your Native Place

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh?

Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer : What Is Your Qualification?

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : (Angrily) What Is It?

Candidate : Metric Pass

Officer : Why Do You Need A Job?

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : And What Does That Mean?

Candidate : Money Problem Sir

Officer : Describe Your Personality

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly

Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now

Candidate : M P. Sir

Officer : What Is It Now

Candidate : My Performance….?

Officer : Mp!!

Candidate : What Is That Sir?

Officer : Mentally Puncture

A Pathan furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine.

As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Urdu & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe…

Till this day, the Pathan has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!!

1. (Whatever)
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don’t want, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm….. I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
 
 
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn’t watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a café and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything
 
 
3. (You decide)
Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don’t want
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it… for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s have dinner first
Women: Whatever…
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything

Prince Charles & Santaji were having dinner.
Prince said, “Pass the wine you divine”.
Santa thinks “how poetic”
Santa says, “pass the custard you bastard”.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Santa at bar in New York .
Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”
Santa says - “Baljith Singh Married”
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Santa : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k…….but? ?
how much is DRIVING salary…?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Santa’s theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during  the day when light
is not needed!!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

2 Santas are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES…NO…YES. ..NO…YES. ..NO…
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Santa shouting 2 his girl friend ” u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Santa is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says, “chal”, it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, “chal” , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, “chal….” Finally he wrote the conclusion.. ….
……. “after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it be comes deaf……”
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A Tamilian call up Santa and asks  ” tamil therima??”
Santa got mad, angrily replied…. “Hindi tera baap!!!”
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

2 Santajis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry num be r is also written…BC 1760!!!….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A Santa on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Santa : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating. ……
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A Santa for an exam had studied only one essay ‘FRIEND’, but in the
exam the essay which came was ‘FATHER’ . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read:  AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Santaji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Santaji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Santa : liquid state…..
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks be hind,  ALL WERE SantaS….. ..

1). Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer “No.”
Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
2) Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”

Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?”

Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

3).Customer: : “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”

Tech Support:: “Tell me what you’ve done.”

Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.”

Tech Support:: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.”

Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”

Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”

Customer:: “What?”

Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”

Customer: “No…”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

4).Customer: : “Do I need a computer to use your software?”

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

5).Tech Support:: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”

Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

6) Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?”

Customer:: “A white one.”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

7). Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.”

Customer:: “How do you spell that?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

8). Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?”

Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

9). Tech Support:: “What operating system are you running?”

Customer: “Pentium.”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

10). Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –11). Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support: “What does it say?”

Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”

Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

12). Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”

Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

13). Tech Support:: “What does the screen say now?”

Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support:: “Well?”

Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

14). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Letme know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— -
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find ‘My Computer’?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?