Dec 01
Sep 29
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks him for his order.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That’ll be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well,’ says the man, ’several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it,a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a long legs who agrees with everything I say.’
Sep 26
3 Parrots
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. “Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
“He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this
bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, “Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.
But the other two call him “BOSS”!!
Sep 05
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.
Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened, Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!,”
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “And why not?!?”
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass.”
Jul 10
Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.
Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC’s
Male : Hey…GM (Good Morning)… How’s u doing today?
Female : VGM…Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Male : wow…am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female : Yep…me too feel the same…Brb (be right back)’ll get some Coffee.
Male : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Male : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n.
Would you give this by today evening?
Male : I would do that, but I think it’s quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All
of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window…)
Female : Hey, am back
Male : cool, you know what my manager does, She’s kinda….. keeps asking stupid Things,
tries to give me stupid work
Female : Yeah, it’s the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Male : Yep, u rite!!
Female : Hey, can u do me a favor
Male : *smiles* sure, why not.
Female : Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would
you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it’s real Urgent for me to work this out
Male : hey, that’s a one-hour’s work. Sure check
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!
AND ONE MORE POINT…. YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!
Jul 02
1. What is height of Fashion?
Ans : Dhoti with a zip .
2. What is height of Secrecy?
Ans : Offering blank visiting cards.
3. What is height of Active laziness?
Ans : Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
4. What is height of Craziness?
Ans : Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Ans : Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her
last.
6. What is height of Stupidity?
Ans : A person looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
7. What is height of Honesty?
Ans : A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
8. What is height of Suicide?
Ans : A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
9. What is height of De-hydration?
Ans : A cow giving milk powder.
10. What is Height of Kanjoosi ?
Ans : Banta’s house has caught fire and he is giving miss calls to the
Fire brigade!!! The 21st Century Defined…
Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feeling - Heartless
Our politics - Clueless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much less
Jun 18
Father : “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father : “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case……ok”
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father : “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates : “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father : “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President : “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Father : “But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
President : “Ah, in that case…ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your ATTITUDE should be positive..
Feb 27
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dec 18
Enthusiastic Salesman
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
” Madam , if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this S…!” exclaimed the eager salesman.
“Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?” asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, ” Why, madam? ”
“There’s no electricity in the house…” said the lady
**********
MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project…!! !
Dec 14
A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
“God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers, which went like this:
“God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there,
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said
“I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my
life.”
She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened
HERE.
He asked “What”??????
She said “This morning our neighbor James suddenly died.”
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