5 Jokes a day Keeps Doctor Away!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

9:03 am
You get an SMS alert from your broker. The hot tip says you buy XYZ with stop loss at Rs 552. It also says price can go touch Rs 582 to Rs 595 intra-day.

9:32 am
You enter office and instantly onto ICICIdirect.com to view your holdings. You also check moneycontrol.com to read the pre-opening commentary.

10:03 am
The market is open and stock XYZ opened at 564, up 2 per cent to 575. It’s very close to the target of 582. So, you wait a bit for it to cool off. When you see the price hit 569, you buy 500 shares of XYZ at 569.20 each.

The trade value is approximately Rs 2.6 lakh (Rs 260,000), done with a limit provision of 6X, ie you have Rs 50,000 with the broker and thus your trade limit is Rs 3 lakh (Rs 300,000). Oops! Now it’s down to Rs 567 and you are losing Rs 1,000.

You decide to follow the wait-and-watch strategy as the stock is moving between 576 and 572. Here’s the plan: You decide to wait for it to touch 585, which will mean a gain of Rs 16. Then you’ll pocket a cool Rs 8,000 for 500 shares and walk home with a new Barbie set worth Rs 2,000 for your daughter.

11 am
You start work 90 minutes late! After checking a few e-mails, you have a quick peek at XYZ. Wow! It’s trading at Rs 574 and you are up Rs 2,500. You think: maybe I should quit and start doing this, full-time, from the cosy confines of home!

1:04 pm
Almost lunchtime, and you check the price of XYZ. Damn! It’s at Rs 546. If only you were watching, you would have been able to cut losses. That’s Rs 18 down and you are down by Rs 9,000.

1:40 pm
Post-lunch, you exchange some ‘hot tips’ with your colleague; he just bought 1,000 stocks of XYZ at Rs 555. He got a wind of some internal news that markets will move up and XYZ will hit Rs 580 in no time. You are happy to be privy to such inside information.

You want to average out your cost from Rs 569. You buy another 500 at Rs 557 and now your average price is Rs 563 and you place a sell limit of Rs 581. If this happens you make a Rs 18,000 profit for the day. That’s 25 per cent of your salary in just a day, phew!

You ask your boss if you can post-pone your meeting to 4 pm; the markets close by then!

2:41 pm
XYZ is now moving up and is at Rs 569, now. You are happy, confident that XYZ will make you rich today.

3:03 pm
XYZ is at Rs 566, the prices are coming down again and your heart is pounding. It’s now down to Rs 543. You don’t know what to do. Should you cut your losses or wait? Okay. Here’s another strategy — whatever the price is at 3:25 pm you will sell.

3:17 pm
XYZ is moving up again and is currently at Rs 557. Boss is calling and you are out of patience. So you sell 1000 shares at Rs 557. You lost Rs 6,000 based on your average price of Rs 563. But there’s always tomorrow.

4 pm
You are in a meeting with you boss, discussing the strategy for the quarter. But you are still thinking about XYZ; you have some unfinished business! You need to work late and file in reports.

4:30 pm
You are back at your desk. Your curiosity gets the better of you and you check the prices of XYZ. It has closed at 570. What a pity! Had the boss not called you, you would have ended in a plus today.

The verdict

That was a snapshot of a typical day in the life of a trader on the stock market trading is a zero sum game. One person wins while the other loses. But the addiction is immense, as the feeling of having a turnover of Rs 1 crore (Rs 10 million) in a month is overwhelming. Instead of spending time speculating, focus on the job at hand. Money will come your way, anyway.

Quick tips for working professionals

Dos:
1. Make an investment after due research.
2. Always have a long-term perspective.
3. Spread your investments wisely. Invest in stocks as well as mutual funds

Don’ts:
1. You cannot beat the markets, so don’t waste time trying to.
2. If you made money in day trading, someone else must have lost it. Don’t push your luck too far.
3. Don’t speculate.

1. Highest Run scorer in the ODI
2. Most number of hundreds in the ODI 45

3. Most number of nineties in the ODI
4. Most number of man of the matches(56) in the ODI’s
5. Most number of man of the series(14) in ODI’s
6. Best average for man of the matches in ODI’s
7. First Cricketer to pass 10000 run in the ODI
8. First Cricketer to pass 15000 run in the ODI
9. He is the highest run scorer in the world cup (1,796 at an average of 59.87 as on 20 March 2007)
10. Most number of the man of the matches in the world cup
11. Most number of runs 1996 world cup 523 runs in the 1996 Cricket World Cup at an average of 87.16
12. Most number of runs in the 2003 world cup 673 runs in 2003 Cricket World Cup, highest by any player in a single Cricket World Cup
13. He was Player of the World Cup Tournament in the 2003 Cricket World Cup..
14. Most number of Fifties in ODI’s 87
15. Appeared in Most Number of ODI’s 407
16. He is the only player to be in top 10 ICC ranking for 10 years.
17. Most number of 100’s in test’s 38
18. He is one of the three batsmen to surpass 11,000 runs in Test cricket, and the first Indian to do so
19. He is thus far the only cricketer to receive the Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna, India’s highest sporting honor
20. In 2003, Wisden rated Tendulkar as d No. 1 and Richards at No. 2 in all time Greatest ODI player
21. In 2002, Wisden rated him as the second greatest Test batsman after Sir Donald Bradman.
22. he was involved in unbroken 664-run partnership in a Harris Shield game in 1988 with friend and team mate Vinod Kambli,
23. Tendulkar is the only player to score a century in all three of his Ranji Trophy, Duleep Trophy and Irani Trophy debuts
24. In 1992, at the age of 19, Tendulkar became the first overseas born player to represent Yorkshire
25. Tendulkar has been granted the Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna, Arjuna Award and Padma Shri by Indian government. He is the only Indian cricketer to get all of them.
26. Tendulkar has scored over 1000 runs in a calendar year in ODI’s 7 times
27. Tendulkar has scored 1894 runs in calendar year in ODI’s most by any batsman
28. He is the highest earning cricketer in the world
29. He has the least percentage of the man of the matches awards won when team looses a match. Out of his 56 man of the match awards only 5 times India has lost.
30. Tendulkar most number man of match awards(10) against Australia
31. In August of 2003, Sachin Tendulkar was voted as the “Greatest Sportsman” of the country in the sport personalities category in the Best of India poll conducted by Zee News.
32. In November 2006, Time magazine named Tendulkar as one of the Asian Heroes.
33. In December 2006, he was named “Sports person of the Year
34. The current India Poised campaign run by The Times of India has nominated him as the Face of New India next to the likes of Amartya Sen and Mahatma Gandhi among others.
35. Tendulkar was the first batsman in history to score over 50 centuries in international cricket
36. Tendulkar was the first batsman in history to score over 75 centuries in international cricket:79 centuries
37. Has the most overall runs in cricket, (ODIs+Tests+Twenty20s), as of 30 June 2007 he had accumulated almost 26,000 runs overall.
38. Is second on the most number of runs in test cricket just after Brian Lara
39. Sachin Tendulkar with Sourav Ganguly hold the world record for the maximum number of runs scored by the opening partnership. They have put together 6,271 runs in 128 matches
40. The 20 century partnerships for opening pair with Sourav Ganguly is a world record
41. Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid hold the world record for the highest partnership in ODI matches when they scored 331 runs against New Zealand in 1999
42. Sachin Tendulkar has been involved in six 200 run partnerships in ODI matches - a record that he shares with Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid
43. Most Centuries in a calendar year: 9 ODI centuries in 1998
44. Only player to have over 100 innings of 50+ runs (41 Centuries and 87 Fifties)(as of 18th Nov, 2007)
45. the only player ever to cross the 13,000-14,000 and 15,000 run marks IN ODI.
46. Highest individual score among Indian batsmen (186* against New Zealand at Hyderabad in 1999).
47. The score of 186* is listed the fifth highest score recorded in ODI matches
48. Tendulkar has scored over 1000 ODI runs against all major Cricketing nations.
49. Sachin was the fastest to reach 10,000 runs taking 259 innings and has the highest batting average among batsmen with over 10,000 ODI runs
50. Most number of Stadium Appearances: 90 different Grounds
51. Consecutive ODI Appearances: 185
52. On his debut, Sachin Tendulkar was the second youngest debutant in the world
53. When Tendulkar scored his maiden century in 1990, he was the second youngest to score a century
54. Tendulkar’s record of five test centuries before he turned 20 is a current world record
55. Tendulkar holds the current record (217 against NZ in 1999/00 Season) for the highest score in Test cricket by an Indian when captaining the side
56. Tendulkar has scored centuries against all test playing nations.[7] He was the third batman to achieve the distinction after Steve Waugh and Gary Kirsten
57. Tendulkar has 4 seasons in test cricket with 1000 or more runs - 2002 (1392 runs), 1999 (1088 runs), 2001 (1003 runs) and 1997 (1000 runs).[6] Gavaskar is the only other Indian with four seasons of 1000+ runs
58. He is second most number of seasons with over 1000 runs in world.
59. On 3 January 2007 Sachin Tendulkar (5751) edged past Brian Lara’s (5736) world record of runs scored in Tests away from home
60. Tendulkar and Brian Lara are the fastest to score 10,000 runs in Test cricket history.. Both of them achieved this in 195 innings
61. Second Indian after Sunil Gavaskar to make over 10,000 runs in Test matches
62. Became the first Indian to surpass the 11,000 Test run mark and the third International player behind Allan Border and Brian Lara.
63. Tendulkar is fourth on the list of players with most Test caps. Steve Waugh (168 Tests), Allan Border (158 Tests), Shane Warne (145 Tests) have appeared in more games than Tendulkar
64. Tendulkar has played the most number of Test Matches(144) for India (Kapil Dev is second with 131 Test appearances).
65. First to 25,000 international runs
66. Tendulkar’s 25,016 runs in international cricket include 14,537 runs in ODI’s, 10,469 Tests runs and 10 runs in the lone Twenty20 that India has played.
67. On December 10, 2005, Tendulkar made his 35th century in Tests at Delhi against Sri Lanka. He surpassed Sunil Gavaskar’s record of 34 centuries to become the man with the most number of hundreds in Test cricket.
68. Tendulkar is the only player who has 150 wkts and more than 15000 runs in ODI
69. Tendulkar is the only player who has 40 wkts and more than 11000 runs in Tests
70. Only batsman to have 100 hundreds in the first class cricket

Dil ke arman ansuo me beh gaye,
Hum gali me the gali me reh gaye…
Light chali gayi,
Jo baat unse kehni thi wo unki mummy se keh gaye….

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Zindagi ki raah mushkil hain to kiya huaa.
Thoda sa tum chalo,thoda sa main…phir Rikshaa kar lenge..

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Wo hamari zindagi main kuchh is tarah se aaye.
Wo hamari zindagi main kuch is tarah se aaye.
Jaise hare bhare khet main Bhais ghus jaye.

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Maine tujhe dekha
Dekhta raha, Dekhta hi gaya
Phir mujhe chashma lag gaya